Martin's downstairs building a lego castle with Joe and I've slipped away to scribble this quickly. I'm so full of conflicting emotions, all I can think of is to pour them out onto these pages and hope to God no one finds them.

The sad truth is I've been so wrapped up, like a little kid, with this pigsty idea that I forgot Seb would soon be going away to Chester. It's all to do with that copywriting job. That, of course, means he won't be coming round to help build the sty. Well, not for a while, anyway. And if Martin gets on with it too soon, Seb won't need to come over at all.

Why should that worry me? I tell myself that it's because Joe will be disappointed. But that's not it at all. I want a pig, we all want a pig, but part of the charm of it is that Seb will be involved in the whole project.There! I've said it. It's there in black and white and I'm not at all proud of it. I want Seb's company far more than I should. It's ridiculous and wrong. But it's true.

And did I really forget he was going away? More like I convinced myself he wouldn't.

And the worst bit of the whole stupid thing is that Lydia Connelly is there with him right now doing the Dance of the Seven Dusters, if I know her.

But that's her business. And his. And now, pitifully, mine.